♪ XUN grande musical :3

Saturday, October 4, 2008

-哀 ; KANESHI

I havent been feeling really well these days. Emotionally.

Been scouting around and reading reference books researching and studying for exams. I study non-stop (practically. i know you cant believe it. well, neither can i) stepping into my room/library till the time's up. only stopping for toilet break and food.

However, things havent been the best lately (as per normal).

Number one thing on my mind. -

I have been comtemplating whether i should blog it out lest the very clever girl knows i still hurt. But, so what. I don't care.

Friends have been telling me how they couldn't find her. How's she not online, how her phone is unable to get thru, how she had gone MIA along with my disappearing act altogether after the showdown.

Does it affect me?

Maybe.

But this is a part of past memory, that i do not wish to challenge its rights.

I do not deny i very very nearly, wanted to pick up my phone and call her. To try to call and see for myself that she's really gone. She's no longer there.

It upsets me. More than i can take it but i just dont want it to affect me. After so long of trying to break free I definitely have zero thoughts of wanting to destroy my own little strike at happiness after cutting both of us up.

There. Said it, i found myself thinking the reasons (like how it was before) as to why she would do such a things, and what are her motives. After that, I came up with fucking stupid baseless conclusions like she might have been hospitalised or injured or hurt or down and she might just need someone to care because she's just not the kind to share feelings and emotions to anyone else.

Yeah, then i could be there for her...JUST as a friend.

Haha what a thought.

stopping at the thought, i found myself standing in front of the MRT station and literally had to pull my legs back to go home instead of behaving like an idiot to go visit her and check whether she is okay. It was hard. Despite the upteen times I've brushed off that though, it just keeps coming back.

I still dont know how many times I've pictured the scenarios of meeting her again.
I dont know why Im still unable to let it go.
I dont know why im unable to forgive, but it dosent make any sense because she was never sorry.
I dont know why I JUST CANNOT STOP FUCKING LINGER on the past when its clear that i have given up hope.
I dont know why all the while i was holding on, all she was letting go so WHY DOES IT STILL FUCKING HURT?
I dont know why i had, let her be my PRIORITY, WHEN ALL THE WHILE I WAS JUST HER FUCKING OPTION!

If not for the fact that someone told me they saw her in the game again, I would most probably have ran to her place just to see if she was fine. And i hate pretending i'm ok. then again, it because my logical self told me i should be OKAY. (which im not)

Neither do i care whether she's still reading my blog and all, but if he does, there's something i want to say.

Ms Ng,

Just betewen you and me, we have taken a wrong approach to our non-exsistent relationship. Feelings were never meant to be logical and we both played against the rules of love. Which is the very reason why love never happened to us, cupid never shot its arrows. We failed to realise we can never lose by loving, we only lose by holding back.

Inside your palm was the key to my heart, and you had it all along.

♪ XUN`licious__ [x 8:06 AM <3