ALLABOUT.xun
x Stefan aka. XUNxun.WANTS
# GIRLFRIEND!xun.LOVES
x3 JUNkorxun.HATES
x Bitchesxun.CHATS
takes a deep breath *
-inhale-
Its times like this when you remember the ugly truths whereby you still remember the pain of finding out betrayals that you know you still hurt deep inside out that you cannot pretend you are fine but you just hope and pray you will be able to forgive them and not take the easy way out by hating which in return make ourselves feel so much better instantly but it will not last in the long run and it becomes a drug like you are addicted to missing and hating her and you have to feed on it everyday because if you dont you will be left gaping for air nearly dying but you just want to hang on to that damn blardy last breath because you think she will come back and make everything alright or deep inside your broken shattered ugly dull unshiny heart you seriously think that you one of these days you will be able to niavely forgive everything that happened even though ppl misunderstand you and ppl bring you dwn with their sacarstic words ppl took you for granted ppl kept going too far and you start to wonder why are you going through all these alone and why do you care when all you care is abt the betrayal all you care is what went through both their minds and care whether they even spared a thought for you in the first place and wonder are they really human bcause you are such a pathetic moron to have the FKIN EXTINCT skill of being UNABLE to even kill AN ANT and here you are writing without punctuation and expect ppl to understand a single word you say when in truth Stefan your esteem is gone your confidence is gone and everything is gone and the one who you
thought.
was.
the.
ONE
Eventually turned out to be a ... person
who.
couldn't.
be.
bothered.
so why are you typing this ?
-exhale-
Hi! I'm really Stefan's alter ego . Can someone wake him up from the idea, or i'm seriously going to make him disappear by emerging and cause him to have split personalities because he is in serious trouble of fighting the war between his emotionalal and logical selves .
If only Stefan hated her .
IF only .
Peace in my head (:
♪ XUN`licious__ [x 8:04 AM <3
I havent been feeling really well these days. Emotionally.
Been scouting around and reading reference books researching and studying for exams. I study non-stop (practically. i know you cant believe it. well, neither can i) stepping into my room/library till the time's up. only stopping for toilet break and food.
However, things havent been the best lately (as per normal).
Number one thing on my mind. -
I have been comtemplating whether i should blog it out lest the very clever girl knows i still hurt. But, so what. I don't care.
Friends have been telling me how they couldn't find her. How's she not online, how her phone is unable to get thru, how she had gone MIA along with my disappearing act altogether after the showdown.
Does it affect me?
Maybe.
But this is a part of past memory, that i do not wish to challenge its rights.
I do not deny i very very nearly, wanted to pick up my phone and call her. To try to call and see for myself that she's really gone. She's no longer there.
It upsets me. More than i can take it but i just dont want it to affect me. After so long of trying to break free I definitely have zero thoughts of wanting to destroy my own little strike at happiness after cutting both of us up.
There. Said it, i found myself thinking the reasons (like how it was before) as to why she would do such a things, and what are her motives. After that, I came up with fucking stupid baseless conclusions like she might have been hospitalised or injured or hurt or down and she might just need someone to care because she's just not the kind to share feelings and emotions to anyone else.
Yeah, then i could be there for her...JUST as a friend.
Haha what a thought.
stopping at the thought, i found myself standing in front of the MRT station and literally had to pull my legs back to go home instead of behaving like an idiot to go visit her and check whether she is okay. It was hard. Despite the upteen times I've brushed off that though, it just keeps coming back.
I still dont know how many times I've pictured the scenarios of meeting her again.
I dont know why Im still unable to let it go.
I dont know why im unable to forgive, but it dosent make any sense because she was never sorry.
I dont know why I JUST CANNOT STOP FUCKING LINGER on the past when its clear that i have given up hope.
I dont know why all the while i was holding on, all she was letting go so WHY DOES IT STILL FUCKING HURT?
I dont know why i had, let her be my PRIORITY, WHEN ALL THE WHILE I WAS JUST HER FUCKING OPTION!
If not for the fact that someone told me they saw her in the game again, I would most probably have ran to her place just to see if she was fine. And i hate pretending i'm ok. then again, it because my logical self told me i should be OKAY. (which im not)
Neither do i care whether she's still reading my blog and all, but if he does, there's something i want to say.
Ms Ng,
Just betewen you and me, we have taken a wrong approach to our non-exsistent relationship. Feelings were never meant to be logical and we both played against the rules of love. Which is the very reason why love never happened to us, cupid never shot its arrows. We failed to realise we can never lose by loving, we only lose by holding back.
Inside your palm was the key to my heart, and you had it all along.
♪ XUN`licious__ [x 8:06 AM <3
Because i only blog when im upset, angry and unhappy. Seldom when I am happy . I know some ppl blog on happiness and love , for remembrance. I blog because i feel the need to pour out my upsetting emotions inside me .
"If something is truly happy, I always remember it ."
But for things i write here, are to be forgotten . To be vented out, to be gone .
My friendship story .
I am not going to go back and be long winded to explain how i've always had failed relationships, and how despite being the noisy and crazy person I am , ppl around me feel they cant seem to step in my world because i have CLOSED with a capital ED off the relationship door and opened many "acquaintences only" halls .
My first Girl .
Hui Min.
4 years of love. Broke over lack of trust in me .
Shattered and almost broke down .
yeah, happy go lucky me almost broke down .
After her, no 1 came closer to me . She was the only girl on this face of the earth i would drop everything for and she was the no.1 in my life . I treasured her over anything else .
But she failed to trust me for who I am .
She understood me, completely. Till the extent to knowing i dont like to explain things to anyone or anybody for anything . But when she misunderstood me, i saw her as an exception and went to explain .
She took my exception for her as an excuse and charged me guilty .
Devastated i was . And still am .
Throuh the years of broken love, she found out i wasnt lying .
But the relationship had already been destroyed .
My second girl .
Hui Yun .
I was at fault here . I was too idiotic and over-reacted to something about her boy-friend(normal male friend) being egoistic . Destroyed both out birthday chalet . Definitely angry and upset because she felt i was venting anger because i had been upset at my parents . The blow up became too big to handle and love was thus gone .
Till date, I still see ppl mocking her for being my "ex-girl friend" and god, you dont know how much it hurts to see her trying hard to laugh it off .
Dont wish to say much about her, otherwise she will be mocked at again and this is the last thing i want .
The next lady in waiting .
I knew her through this stpid game online which many ppl i love now all love it . Lawl. when i 1st met her, she was thig pro girl somewhere and she was very fun to be with . I always seen her around with others but we never did spoke .
Through a guy friend online, i got to know her . She was initially very wary of me but i do not know why . She had seemed to be very self-protective and would talk cautiously most of the time .
(I got to know after donkey years later that she thought i was asking her guy to break off with her)
Anyway this siaocharbor started stalking me around and watching me talk to other guys or girls she realised i talk to everyone the same no matter guy girl ah gua animal *coughs*
We started to play together really often and often stalking each other non stop . I always liked to see who she was playing with and would peep at her no matter where she was even though i didnt step in her room . Funny thing was, she told me she did the same stupid thing too . We clicked off immediately and enjoyed each other's company .
I guess, one part that made the friendship so strong was because we were both very possessive till its quite scary . We were those either all or nothing kinds , and we only wanted each other . She was there when i went mad for a month facing the computer . I was there when she was alone feeling unwanted , crying her eyes out . We consoled each other the way we knew best, through simple words on the flat screen monitor . Soon enough, over a year of communicating online just wasnt enough anymore . We had to meet each other in real to concrete our mad online friendship .
And so she came, with her bags and all , to stay at a hotel for a month . ^^ We had fun going out, hanging around, meeting ppl who wanted to meet her, eating Maggi downstairs my block, gossiping, making each other up (although not much for me) .
BUT.
Being close together wasnt the most easiest thing to do . Friendship can only get that far with compromising . Many upsetting things happened , many unseen truths surfaced , which all boiled over because we didnt really exactly use the correct method to solve things .
We started to be like strangers . Not talking . Until the day she left for home , I didnt even see her off . But unknowingly to her, she took a part of me when she left .
Because the misunderstandings that happened between us was not something that weas easily solved, but thankfully. It was just expectations of the friendships that needed to be changed . It had nothing to do with our love for each other .
I had, initially disliked her way of bearing grudges had hoped she would eventually learn how to let things go, and not take things too hard . Of course, sometimes she misunderstood me by saying I dont understand her and that she just wished ppl wont take her for granted and step all over her head, which is why she got so agitated each time .
Resentment just grew between the both of us and we just kept drifting apart . Every single cantact and politeness for each other resulted in angry drawls and throwing sarcasm in each other's faces . We only had one choice left,
To carry our hurt prides with us and let thelove die by itself .
Then slowly, time took it's toil and she, being such a kaypoh came to my guild's forum and saw a thread which was to let ppl vent their anger. And she was what i had written on a day I quarrelled with her .
After reading what i wrote, she proceeded to leave a msg on my rusting fs. Telling me to add her back in msn . Which i stupidly did . and we talked things through . she came back to SG again soon enough and guess what ?
we were chummies again .
We are still together .
We SURVIVED the breakup .
And just ytd, we were holding hands and shopping together .
Just like how Jun kor wished for .
My point in this post,
Is to show how versatile relationships around us are. We may hold different expectations at different times. and when expectations are not met, there will be disappointments .
It is inevitable. But it can be compromised .
We may not see it when it comes, but we will definitely feel the hurtwear off eventually, in time to come .
There is no use scolding and pulling each others hair off and using the pent up frustrations to scar each other's pride with hurting words .
Because at the end of the day, a measure of the relationship is gained . What both of you had felt for the love will SHOW it self . We can all go on an endless debating whether a relationship had been cherished, returned kindly, whether u wasted ur time on how many morons with a "friend" tag appearing in ur life and how many donkey years of ur life was spent with that moron .
If it is relationship meant to be kept, it will stay there, and nothing can move it away . When the time has washed away the hurt, injured egos and pride . It is the love for each other which will eventually bare itself for all to see .
If the love was just nothing, it will be gone . And nothing will be worth the while .
And that's when we know whether that friend had been worth the keep .
Nothing is perfect in this world . No relationship can be without it's ups and downs . enjoy the ups, and brace the downs . Ultimately when you both care for each other,
it shines from your hearts .
love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking together in the same direction .
♪ XUN`licious__ [x 2:51 PM <3
Love is a slow kiss goodnight, It's anticipation.
Love is flirting ourtageously and still remembering that the person at your side is not obligated to do anything, It's respect.
Love is an imperfection in your self not bothering you, it's acceptance.
Love is passing up an opportunity because the time isn't right yet, It's patience.
Love is a back massage that starts above the hairline and ends around the insoles, it's exploration.
Love doesn not have to say, "lets make love," because you know what the other person wants, it understands.
Love is being given an honest chance to say no when you thought you were committed, it's consideration.
Love is both of you remembering protection, it's responsibility.
Love is saying the perfect phrase to make a solemn embrace dissolve into giggles, it's humor.
Love is being told "stop and i'll kill you." It's desire.
Love is reviewing the damge to your living room and realizing personal effects are strewn in a clockwise pattern from the front door the to bedroom, it's abandonment.
Love is seeing what your love really looks like for the first time, it's truth.
Love is knowing what time it is and not caring, it's joy.
Love is the arms around you tightening their embrace, it's ecstacy.
Love is seeing a new side of a person you thought you knew, it's renewal.
Love is telling a person if you have to leave, you will let them sleep, and being told they would rathr be woken, it's tenderness.
Love is waking up to find the subject of the dream you were having asleep on your shoulder, it's where fantasy meets reality.
Love is being there to wake your lover slowly, it's sensuousness.
Love belatedly knows why you bothered to buy a queen-sized bed three years ago, it's practicality.
Love is two people only taking up a third of a queen-sized bed, it's closeness.
Love knows you gave the extra set of keys to your apartment to the right person, its trust.
Love is saying good-bye and knowing you will be back by mutual consent, its faith.
Love is stretching your arms and discovering the real meaning of the word "sore" it's a lesson in human frailty.
Love is opening your medicine cabinet finding your tube of toothpaste turned into a prezel, it's adaptation.
Love is sitting at the window, looking out and remembering who you were with the night before, it's reflection.
Love is hearing the weather forecast for a winter storm and wishing you could spend it in bed with your lover, it's loneliness.
Love is stories that will never be told, it's personal.
Did you ever fall for someone you know you shouldn't?
Try hard to fight your feelings, but you just couldn't?
You fall deeper with each passing day,But try to hide it in every possible way.
He's only a friend, and nothing else.
That's the lie you keeping telling yourself.
You keep on saying he's just a bud,But deep inside, you're falling in love.
You get so giddy when you meet his eyes,But keep reminding yourself it isn't right.
A simple glance turns into a stare,But you pretend that you don't care.
It's "not right" for you two to be.
Is that why you hide it so no one can see?
But how long will you pretend?
Keep lying that he's just a friend?
Perhaps your feelings you can never show.
Perhaps it's "wrong" for him to know.
Your friendship can't be risked over this,
So being his girl is an impossible wish.
When a GIRL is quiet,
Millions of things are running in her mind
When a GIRL is not arguing,
She is thinking deeply
When a GIRL looks at u with eyes full of questions,
She is wondering how long you will bearound
When a GIRL answers "i'm fine" after afew seconds,
She is not at all fine
When a GIRL stares at you,
She is wondering why you are lying
When a GIRL lays on your chest,
She is wishing for you to be hers forever
When a GIRL calls you everyday,
She is seeking for your attention
When a GIRL sms's u everyday,
She wants you to reply at least once
When a GIRL says I love you,
She means it
When a GIRL says that she can't live without you,
She has made up her mind that you are her future
When a GIRL says "i miss you",
No one in this world can miss you more than that.
People will forget what you said.
People will forget what you did.
But people will never forget how you made them feel.
I won't cry because it is over, I'll smile because it happened.
You can never stop loving someone.
you just learn how to live without them.
sometimes you just need to run away just to see who will come after you.
the ones who do are the ones that truly love you.
Someday someone might come into your life and love you the way you've always wanted.
If your someday was yesterday,
learn.
If your someday is tomorrow,
hope.
If your someday is today,
cherish.
We come to love
not by finding a perfect person,
but by learning to see
an imperfect person perfectly.
happy birthday to myself. <3
♪ XUN`licious__ [x 4:20 PM <3
How does one actually measures the amount emotions/affections for others in their miserable stingy heart.
In life, we seek many answers.
Curiousity is the driving force behind every magnificent and glamourous life.
We are constantly seeking.
Seeking for better life.
Seeking for better relationships.
Seeking for better solutions.
Seeking for better everything.
But sadly, we don't always get the answers we need.
It relies on ourselves.
It's the ultimate journey through life that we gain results, through experiments, trials and errors.
Who hasn't walked on a wrong path before?
Who hasn't made a decision only to face disappointments?
Who hasn't made a choice only to regret it much later?
Who?
We all make mistakes, and is there really a need to be to remind "N" times for a mistake we did? Who says we can't make an identical mistake twice? Maybe it just the time for us to learn hasn't dawned upon on us.
Who, exactly are we, to judge others' doings?
Forgiving is not easy. But how much hurt, how much pain, how much disappointments can our palm sized heart carry with us on every step of the way.
This is what people call "emotional baggage".
We store unhappiness, pain, suffering, heartache, discontentment in this baggage and lug them all day all night, everyday for 365 days, 24/7.
When will it ever stop?
I guess, bad things won't just stop at some point. They love to snowball. Then they grow humongous and crash on you. Leaving you out cold, dead and delicious to the penguins in Antartica.
When you are emotionally ready, and you meet someone emotionally unready. Then as if all the hurt hasn't been enough due to complications.
You start to face disappointments.
Then you began wondering from the start whether it had been right all along.
And you start losing faith in believing everything will turn alright.
By the time you realise it,
Its gone.
You know wad a deadlock is? Its when something goes round and round with its cause and effect.
In simplified terms,
I don't get affection, I don't show emotion.
I don't show emotion, she gets hurt
She gets moody, I get affected.
I am affected, I show disappointment.
I show disappointment, she gets upset.
She gets upset, she holes up herself.
She holes up herself.
I don't get affection.
Its easy to break it. But who will be the one?
The suffering one?
Then again,
Who is the suffering one?
♪ XUN`licious__ [x 7:48 AM <3
stupid quiz Rachael made me do for 2 bucks :X
Name 20 people you can think of right now.
Do not start reading until you've named out.
1. Daryl
2. Calvin
3. Addison
4. XuanRen
5. XuanXing
6. XuanYi
7. Dorcas
8. Jodie
9. Venus
10. Kai Shan
11. Debbie
12. Angel
13. Su Hui
14. ShiMin
15. Keith
16. You Quan
17. You Neng
18. James
19. Aldric
20. Byron
How did you meet 14?
Thru Jun kor.
What if 9 and 20 dated?
They ARE dating in the first place, no big deal ._.
Describe 3.
Good brother.
Is 8 attractive?
Yes.
Describe 7.
Normal(?)
Know any of 12's family members?
Of course. In fact i know all :X
What would you do if 18 confessed his/her love to you?
Slap him for being gay :D
What language does 15 speaks?
English and Chinese and a bit of Arab. :X
Who is 9 going out with?
I thought i just said it. Byron, DUHHH.
When is the last time you spoke to 13?
6 years.
Who is 2's favourite band/singer?
ON/OFF
Would you ever date 4?
Of course ! (: a date between FRIENDS (:
Would you ever date 1?
Done that :3 Had a romantic date at Sentosa last week (:
Is 19 Single?
I don't know ._.
What is 10's last name?
what the HECK is a last name? Full name i also not sure seh
Would you ever be in a relationship with 11?
Yes-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s way. cause she's my love :X
Where does 6 live?
Ang Mo Kio!! (:
What's your favourite thing about 5?
Outgoing Personality.
Have you ever seen 2 naked?
Yeah. During camp :X Twice actually. (completely shameless about this)
LOL.
♪ XUN`licious__ [x 3:46 PM <3
What had initially thought to be a priceless moment due to the fact of unbelievable co-incidence that led me into thinking
oh-my-god-is-this-really-fate
had turned out into
a-slap-in-the-face-i-should-have-realised-sooner
ugly, fugly, sickening vomit inducing
TRUTH.
♪ XUN`licious__ [x 9:14 PM <3
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